365
days ago I took a decision. A decision most people make effortlessly but
for some reason I had struggles with it. I was afraid that this
decision might be too life altering for me to handle; that this decision
would blow up in my face for whatever reason. I was never known to be a
coward or a conformist, I was never known to fear trying new things or
meeting new people, but 365 days ago all I saw in me was doubt.
I
doubted everything I've known for a decade, I doubted myself, and
doubted the people around me just because I was too scared to believe
that the decision making process has finally come to an end and that I
have no more time to weigh the outcome. I wasn’t used to making big
decisions on my own, I always liked to hear what other people thought,
even if I didn’t use their advice, I just liked to see someone else’s
point of view, but 365 days ago no one could make this decision for me, I
had to do it alone. Despite the fact that this decision was a
no-brainer, a decision that really didn’t need much thinking, I was too
afraid to say it out loud and pick a road anyway so I wouldn’t have to
deal with the consequences of my choices. I was too afraid to take the
steering wheel and steer my life in this direction. I watched everyone
pick roads, buckle up, and steer away, while I stood at the crossroad
trying to calculate all potential risks. Everyone just drove away so
easily without even second-guessing the roads they’ve chosen and I stood
there with a map in my hand feeling completely lost. 365 days ago I
buckled up, jumped in this car called life, and chose a road. I chose
what seemed to be the shortest way to happiness. I chose the safe way to
get to what I wanna be and where I wanna be. And out of completely
nowhere, I drove my Ferrari off a hard turn on a slippery slope.
My
life turned from butterflies to caterpillars; From Ferraris to LADAs.
It wasn’t my choice; it wasn’t like I wanted to see my Ferrari in wreck.
It wasn’t like I hoped for this to happen. It wasn’t like I knew this
road had such a hard turn. And right when I thought that this was the
safe way to go, it turned out to be the worst road I could’ve ever
chosen for myself. It turned out to be the most dangerous thing I ever
decided to do. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know if I should
blame the road, the map in my hand, or my shitty driving, but what I do
know and what I'm absolutely sure of, that 365 days from now I’ll be
standing at another crossroad shaking and feeling out of place. Scared
to drive again; scared to take another “wrong” road. Scared to get in
that car and buckle up. Scared to even turn the engine on.
Decisions
aren’t easy. They shouldn’t be taken lightly. Decisions either make you
or break you. They define who you are and where you’ll be when you're
an 80-year old toothless hag. But the best thing about bad decisions,
the one thing that makes it all worthwhile: they make a really good
story to tell …
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