Being a Stepparent

Stepping into someone else’s shoes is a daunting task. You may feel like you have to live up to all the expectations that person has built up and maybe even do the job a bit better than they did. But there are some people that it is almost impossible to compete with – a child’s mother or father, for example. More and more people are being called upon to take on the role of stepparent and make the best of it. These brave individuals often face resistance, anger and criticism from both the children they are trying to parent and the children’s extended family. But for families that make it through the challenge, a stepparent can be a wonderful force in rounding out a family, contributing a great deal to his or her step children’s lives and receiving in return their love and esteem.

Should I or Shouldn’t I?
Every person when confronted with divorce or bereavement faces the question: Should I risk getting married again? For parents it’s even more complicated because you have to make sure that this is the person you want to help you raise your child, even if it is only part-time. That’s why having a discussion about your children and every aspect of their lives that your marriage will touch is important before marriage. Reaching a consensus is hard enough when both parties involved are the natural parents – when someone else starts taking a role in your child’s life, it can be hard to sit by and watch, but if you don’t let your new spouse take a role in raising your children, he or she may feel unnecessary or undermined.

Instant Family
Marriage is a big step for anyone – but when you are (in essence) marrying a family, it’s an even bigger leap. The idea of being a stepparent can be overwhelming. Suddenly, you are going to be responsible, at least in part, for someone else’s children and those children might not like it.

Dealing with the natural mom or dad can be the hardest part of the whole stepparent/child relationship, which is one reason many people feel it is easier to be a stepparent if the natural parent is deceased. Mustapha, stepfather of one son, notes, “I don’t think I could have managed if my wife had been divorced. I wouldn’t have liked having another man interfering in my household.”

When the natural parent is still around, his or her behavior can work to sabotage the stepparent’s relationship with the children. To a lesser degree, the family of a deceased parent can also discourage children from becoming too close to their stepparent out of a belief that it somehow detracts from the memory of the natural parent. But just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean that it’s not worth doing. If you are aware of the pitfalls you might fall into, you can approach your situation prepared for them.

Suzanne, who remarried after the father of her two sons passed away, says, “I have seen other couples in my situation but where the natural parent was divorced. Some spouses find this situation very challenging where the natural parent feels that he or she is being over stepped and thus is either sneaky and starts acting in an immature way, or feels hurt when he/she finds their own child substituting him/her for a stranger. I think when the natural parent is out of the picture, the stepparent feels more important and needed; his parentship for the kids is not an option like when the real parent exists.”

While a parent whose former spouse is getting remarried can feel like he/she is being replaced, if this resentment is felt by the child, the parent will sabotage what could be a positive force in his/her child’s life. If you make your child choose between you and his stepparent, no matter what choice he makes, he loses. The best way to stay involved with your child’s life and maintain your authority is to only use it when you really need to – like when you feel that your child is in danger or truly unhappy or in need of help. Remember, no matter what, you will always be your child’s parent.

On the other hand, children of divorce tend not to need a replacement parent as much as bereaved children, so stepparents aren’t under quite as much pressure to be a perfect parent. Mervat, stepmother to two girls, notes, “In my case the situation resulted from death of the parent. I believe both situations have their difficulties. But when it is stepparenting resulting from death there is more pressure on the stepparent to fill the role of the absent parent. When it is resulting from divorce, the biological separated parent remains the parent of the child but in a different vicinity. This, in my opinion, creates less pressure for the stepparent to be a parent to the child, but may inflict other pressures, such as lack of acceptance by the child of the new parent that may result in resentment in abiding to the new parent’s rules at home.”

No Two Situations Are Alike
All sorts of factors contribute to making each stepparent/stepchild situation unique. One of them is the age at which a child gets a stepparent. Suzanne describes her situation, “When I remarried, my older son was about six years old and the younger was two. Their age was ideal for accepting a new father. My older son, who is autistic, had no problem as long as his daily routine was maintained and my younger son was too young to remember any other father because he was a baby when we lost his natural father.”

Hala, on the other hand, thinks that older children have an easier time, “I believe older is better. They won’t feel the detachment from their mother or father as much. They will be more independent and more understanding. They will have a life of their own that includes friends, colleagues, etc. They will better understand their parents’ need for partners.”

Preconceived notions are also not always correct either, as Mervat notes, “I thought that my 11 year old would be more difficult to reach than my seven year old. I am surprised to find that the eldest is so much closer to me. She is so understanding. I can talk to her and feel like I’m talking to a friend. She’s also so much more appreciative of my efforts – which is so rewarding! With the younger one, I have to put in much more effort because at her age the criteria for a good parent are different.”

Another important variable is gender – both of the stepparent and of the stepchild. Mustapha asserts, “I think it’s easier if the stepparent and stepchild are the same gender – it makes sensitive issues easier and there’s less chance for embarrassing situations as the child grows older.”

On the other hand, Hala says, “A boy can deal with a stepmother easier than a girl. There is no feeling of jealousy. A girl is usually close to her father, and he is her role model for the opposite sex. A stepmother might not feel comfortable with that strong bond, and a girl can feel jealous of the woman who is attracting the attention of her father. The same goes for a boy–stepfather relationship.”

Suzanne comments, “I think if the stepparent is a man, it is easier, because the mother is always closer to her kids and so can help them cope especially if they are young. She is the one who spends more time at home and handles their daily routine, which makes the adjustment easier for the kids. A woman can thus help the stepfather and guide him.”

For Mervat, she’s glad her situation worked out the way it did, “I think girls are softer and much more affectionate. But they are much more attentive to detail than boys, and as a stepmom you need to be ready for that! Girls can interfere in areas that are not of interest to boys.”

On the issues of age and gender at least, it would appear that most of the parents that were interviewed actually ended up feeling favorable towards the situation that they are in – which is a good indication that no matter what the circumstances, a stepparent/stepchild relationship can work out well.

A special thank you to all the people who opened up their hearts on a sensitive subject to prove that a family is what you make it.