Making Way for Miracles

As I felt my heart sink deep down into the pits of darkness, I considered every word the doctor spoke to me. She explained that I had an infertility disorder, and that I may never be able to have children naturally. As she said these horrible things, I remember every detail of that moment. Her long blonde hair that seemed to fall perfectly around her shoulders, and her short pencil-thin skirt that fit her shape flawlessly. She seemed confident in what she was telling me, and she also seemed completely unaware of the immense pain she was instilling into me in a matter of seconds.

I had always known that there was more going on with my body than meets the eye. With irregular cycles from the very beginning, it had begun to seem almost normal that I was not like most other women. Then, at the age of 21 I finally had the answers I had been searching for, for so long. I had PCOS, and my chances of becoming a mother were quite slim.

It’s difficult to try and understand the effect such announcements could have upon a woman, especially a woman who is recently married. My husband was in the Navy, and we had so many high hopes for the life we wanted to create together. We were married less than 6 months when I was told the harrowing news. I felt as though all light inside of me had been shut off permanently, and that I would never make it out of that dark tunnel I was now living in.

As a young girl I had always imagined what my children would be like. I had pictured them looking much like me, and my future husband. They would have dark hair, and bright blue eyes. They would be musically talented such as myself, and would be intelligent, and vibrant. I would play house alone in my room and cradle my baby dolls. I would change their plastic diapers, and feed them from their play bottles. It seemed almost promised to me that someday I would get those experiences for real, and that I would be an amazing mother.

I decided to not take no for an answer, and I went ahead and researched, and spent a great deal of time learning about my disorder. I talked with other women who had battled it, and who had become mothers despite all odds. I believed in my heart that I could overcome this.

It wasn’t until about a year into trying, after numerous failed cycles, and continuous negative pregnancy tests, that hope started to die within me. I soon saw every pregnant woman I came in contact with as evil, and my jealousy raged. I was incredibly unhappy, and wondering if my doctor had been right after all. It was possible that I would never have the experiences I had always dreamed of, and I would never have a child of my own. My husband did everything he could to comfort me, and to make promises to me. None of it mattered when I was as deep into myself as I was.

A friend gave me a recommendation to a natural, spiritual healer who did not prescribe any medications, but simply listened and coached. I figured it was worth a shot, especially since I could not see things getting any worse. I started seeing this healing coach twice every single week for almost 3 months, before I saw changes in myself that I would never have imagined. For the first time in a long time I stopped holding resentment towards God, and I started to thank him for what he had given me. I truly began to believe that there was no reason to hold jealousy and anger, when so much goodness had been in my life all along. I had been so consumed with myself and my pity, that I had been blind to the gifts that he had supplied me with, already.

One of the greatest lessons I learned was that miracles cannot happen unless we get out of the way, and allow them to. I was trying to control something that was well out of my hands, and the outcome was even worse. It was time to be appreciative, and to wake up every morning thankful for such a beautiful life. I had my health, I had my incredibly supportive husband, and I had myself and God. I realized that the more I was grateful, the more I would have to be grateful for. Even now, when I still have not seen a positive pregnancy test, I have not lost my new hope, because I know that God has a big plan for me, and that it will be truly magical. 

by April McHugh