Not in Front of Your Child!

Do you sometimes feel guilty of setting a bad example in front of your child? We often say things in front of our children unintentionally, not realizing that they are like sponges that absorb most of what they hear and see around them. Many of us let an occasional bad word slip out, tell a ‘white’ lie, gossip or make fun of someone in front of our children. The problem is that once you have said the bad word or made the remark, you can’t take it back or erase it from your child’s memory because as we know, children store everything in the back of their minds and when you least expect it, it surfaces! Here are some issues to avoid in front of your child

.

Marital Disputes

Don’t argue in front of your child. Imagine how he must feel seeing his mother and father raise their voices using words of anger or blame. Dr. Amira Hanna, child and adolescent psychiatrist and family therapist explains, “Over time your child might blame himself, may feel that he has to take sides and most probably will become insecure. Seeing parents abuse each other physically or verbally is traumatic for children of all ages and often the child is never able to go back to the same loving relationship with his mother and father.” Sometimes just the tone of the arguments can frighten a child. As parents, we should try to control our feelings, and if we can’t, we should end the conversation with our spouse until we are able to do so. If you do lose your temper and make the mistake of arguing with your spouse in front of your child, make sure that he is included in the apology stage, and express regret for your immature behavior. Explain to him that his parents love and respect each other, because your child in turn will respect you for admitting your mistake and will feel reassured that his parents don’t hate each other.

Divorce

Your child should never be caught in the middle!

• Don’t use your child as a messenger. Talk to your spouse directly or communicate in writing.

• Don’t ask your child what goes on in the other parent’s home.

• Don’t expect or encourage your child to take sides.

• Don’t hold back your child from your spouse; your child should not be used as a weapon to get back at the other parent.

When divorce happens, unfortunately it’s not only the parents who take sides. Dr. Hanna explains that it has been constantly emphasized that divorced parents should not bad mouth each other, however, we often do not take into consideration that other family members such as grandparents, aunts and uncles should also beware of negative comments about the situation or the person in the presence of your child’s vulnerable ears. Always remember that your child sees himself as half of each parent. So when he hears bad things about one parent, he hears bad things about half of himself, and if he hears bad things about both his parents, he will feel that both halves of himself are worth very little, “often causing depression, nocturnal enuresis (bed-wetting again after being dry), and/or affecting academic and social performance,” Dr. Hanna notes.

Making Fun of Others

Don’t make fun of others. If you say to your spouse or friend, ‘Look at that fat kid, or funny looking woman’ and start laughing, your child will think that this kind of behavior is acceptable. Later, if he says something bad and embarrassing about someone in public and humiliates you, you should remember that your child learned this attitude from no one else but you. “At a very young age children learn modeling or copying, so setting the proper ethics in front of them is must,” advises Dr. Hanna.

Gossip

If you gossip with your friends or speak in a negative way about others behind their backs, your child will pick up on this habit. You think your child is busy watching TV or playing with his friends while actually he’s listening to you and learning to develop this attitude. Your influence is unquestionably negative. As the saying goes: “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.”

‘Little White Lie’

Your phone rings and you tell your child to tell the person who is on the phone that you are not home or in the bathroom. Even though you lied without intending to harm, you have just taught your child that lying can be okay at times because mom and dad, his role models, do it. “A lie is a lie,” says Dr. Hanna, “Once you start lying in front of your child there’s a high probability that he will learn not to trust you.” So, next time avoid this little trap and simply tell the person who picks up the phone to say that you are “unavailable” at the moment.

Bad Words

Once you have said a bad word, you can’t take it back, and more often than not your child will store it and keep repeating it. “[Bad words are] easy to learn and difficult to forget,” confirms Dr. Hanna. But there are three things you can do if your child starts using bad words.

First: Simply ignore it. Encourage your child to use a “good” word, and hope he will soon forget the bad words he learned, which is more likely to happen the younger your child is. Ignoring means not revealing your shock or annoyance, or showing amusement at the cuteness of the word coming from your little child. The more attention you give the improper language the more frequently your child will repeat it.

Second: Face it. If the first option fails and your child continues to use the word non-stop, embarrassing you in public, you will have to sit your child down and tell them why it’s wrong and ask them to stop it.

Third: If ignoring it and dealing with it don’t work, then the only alternative left is punishment, because it has become a matter of discipline. However, any punishment you inflict on him should not be physical, and should be suitable to his age and emotional needs. For example, time outs may be effective.

Media

You should never watch TV programs or video clips with inappropriate scenes or language, or listen to songs with unsuitable lyrics in the presence of your young child. The same applies to watching images and coverage of wars and terrorism, which may upset your child and cause a sense of insecurity and anxiety. Dr. Hanna points out, “Parental control in this area is crucial because your child is likely to be very much influenced by the media that surrounds him.” Just use the remote control and switch off what you find unacceptable. If your child does end up watching something unsuitable by accident, turn off the TV and ask him what he thinks of it and how it made him feel. Generally, give your child a chance to talk about what he’s seen and discuss it together in simple terms that he may be able to understand and process.

Parenthood is a tough job. At all times we have to be aware that we are, as Dr. Hanna notes, “role models to our children. We help them develop their conscious and thus their ethics.” Keeping this constant reminder in mind should help us avoid making some of these mistakes.