In talking about leadership with organizations around the world, I’m often asked to name the leaders I regard as role models. It’s generally assumed, because I’ve been privileged to work over the years with some very impressive people, that I’ll cite CEOs, politicians, military officials or leadership gurus.
And, in fact, I’ve come to admire some such people deeply through personal interactions and close study of their work.
But the truth is — and this sometimes comes as a surprise to audiences hungry for big names — that my greatest leadership role models were my parents.
I was once again reminded of their powerful influence on a summer day about six years ago. I got an alarming call from a younger sibling; my dad, then in his late eighties, was critically ill in the hospital. My wife and I rushed from North Carolina to Pennsylvania to see him, arriving late at night.
My dad lay in a dark intensive care room, lit up by lot of beeping machines that were connected to him. He smiled a little bit, listened and nodded occasionally while I talked for about 20 minutes. Finally, I said, “Dad, you haven’t said anything yet, and they’re telling me I have to leave now so you can rest. Is there anything you want to say before I go?”
I was hoping he might say something like, “John, you’ve always been my favorite of the five children.”
Instead, he said: “Tell Mom that I love her. I forgot to say that today.”
I went home, where the family was in the kitchen having tea, and said, “Mom, Dad told me to tell you that he loves you.”
She said, “He’s been telling me that every day since he came home from World War II in 1945.”
Two days later, my twin brother made a late night visit with our dad. He wasn’t getting better, but they’d taken the tubes out of him to see if he could breathe on his own. My brother talked with him until the nurses told him he had to leave. Then he said, “Dad, you haven’t said a single word all night. Can you say just one thing that I can go back to the house and share with everybody?”
My dad, who passed away peacefully a few hours later, looked up at my brother and said one word: “Rose.” It was our mother’s name and his last spoken word.
My parents regularly demonstrated that kind of devotion and commitment throughout their 65 years of marriage. They said a lot of important things to their five children – and they weren’t always complimentary! But each one of us believes that their actions were the real legacy we received from them, particularly the way they treated one another and us with love, support and guidance.
We all want to matter, and it’s easy to confuse that natural feeling with an excessive need to be important or to surround ourselves with powerful people or to wish for the lives of celebrities we’ve never even met.
When we do, we risk overlooking one of the greatest leadership resources of all – the example set by dedicated parents, coaches, teachers and other sometimes unheralded members of our communities. Maybe we do not idolize them like a Hollywood star, but they are real role models – exemplary people we respect and can emulate, women and men who can inspire us to lead better and more meaningful lives.
And, if we’re fortunate, the day might even arrive when someone looks at us and sees more than a co-worker or parent or neighbor. They see the kind of person they hope to be. They see a leader.
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