I Just Can’t Do It!

Parents are often faced with the response “I just can’t do it” from their children. Those feelings of incapacity, lack of willingness to try, and lack of self-confidence are very destructive, not only for children, but for parents as well.

What is self-confidence? As defined by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer in her book “Raising Happy Kids,” self-confidence is:

“Trusting your ability to form and sustain relationships
Trusting your ability to compete various tasks well knowing that others value your abilities
Trusting your ability to manage new situations
Trusting your own judgments and common sense” (p.22, 2004).

Seeing your child walk down the path of self-doubt is not an easy thing to tolerate, but how did your child come to think so negatively of him/herself? Do you have anything to do with it? How can you overcome it?

One major reason for children to grow with low self-confidence is being a “helicopter parent.” Helicopter parents believe that children are still incapable of facing life challenges on their own, and therefore tend to over-parent their children. As children face problems, their parents rush to solve them on their behalf. They are not given the opportunity to try for themselves, and learn from the experience.
Parents are too much focused on the results rather than the process. Children are praised for what they achieve, not for who they are, nor for how much effort they invested, which sends them the message that they are acknowledged for what they can achieve, so if they stop achieving they won’t be recognized. Mistakes are therefore not tolerated, leading them to fear making mistakes, and asking for parental intervention more and more.
Another factor is trying to protect them from disappointments. Helicopter parents make sure their children don’t face challenges which might be inconvenient. Instead of showing them ways of dealing with a challenge, the children are protected and kept in their comfort zone.

How to overcome?

Adopt a balanced approach to parenting, neither over-parenting, nor under-parenting them.
Avoid micromanaging their lives by allowing them to take charge of their own tasks.
Encourage them to take calculated risks, and support their decisions. Provide them with the needed guidance, but don’t own the problem yourself.
Trust their decision making ability, and allow them to pick and choose for themselves.
Refrain from calling them names. Words like “you’re dumb, stupid, lazy, etc.” communicate feelings of worthlessness and incapacity. And guess what? Children will prove you right by acting those words out.
Communicate your confidence in their abilities and in them.
Don’t compare them to other kids. As simple as it sounds, as damaging as it can get. Not only do they stop trusting their own abilities, but they might also have feelings of envy and hatred towards their peers.
Finally, watch “Bob the Builder” together and always sing “Yes we can!”